Things I Learned from Call of Duty

I have a love-hate affair with the Call of Duty franchise, namely loving the original game(s) and then that cherished love turned into utmost hatred for the constant supply of garbage Activision continues to spew at the all-too eager audience. In any case, here are things I’ve learned from Call of Duty over the years…(sarcasm mode is now in effect): 

1) M1A2 Abrams main battle tanks, weighing approximately 68.4 tons according to the official U.S. Army fact sheet, will roll overtop a single line of barbed wire strung over a highway. Not as in rolling through the barbed wire and crushing it, but overtop, as they would drive over a hill, and the barbed wire remains unharmed afterward. Uh?

2) The U.S. Special Operations Command sends their Tier One units (such as Delta Force) into battle by having them land on a beach and charge, en masse, directly into the concentrated fire of dug-in Russian infantry.

3) A knife wound to the foot is fatal upon impact.

4) Randomly tossing a Tomahawk in the air across a couple hundred yards without your target being visible to the Mark 1 eyeball can easily kill said target. Even if said target is hit in the right foot.

5) Attack dogs are superior to automatic rifles.

6) Vehicles and guns that were nonexistent in the 1960′s apparently, in fact, did exist.

7) Soldiers were able to fast-rope down from helicopters two decades before fast-roping was actually utilized in combat…err, right.

8) A Boeing 747 is able to fly into Hong Kong in early 1968. The Boeing 747 wasn’t used commercially until early 1970.

9) Brainwashed U.S. Special Forces operators are able to hear radio broadcasts telepathically….hmm. Of course.

10) Two different Russian soldiers, according to two separate games in the franchise, raised the Soviet flag over the Reichstag in 1945.

11) If the Vice President of the United States is about to be overrun and shot by the evil, marauding Russians, the President will send four soldiers and a tank to rescue him.

12) When in need of villains, always blame the Russians. Everything is the Russians’ fault. It’s always the Russians.

13) The Russians are almost always in cahoots with a Middle Eastern terrorist. Maybe two. Maybe all of them.

14) The Russians will automatically assume an American perpetrating an airport massacre is a CIA operative and will then invade the entirety of the Eastern Seaboard without any hesitation. At all. Whatsoever.

15) During the selfsame airport massacre, an infamous and sought-after mass murdering terrorist leader can stroll into the airport, initiate the slaughter, and then waltz out and get away with blaming it all on the American. Two words: security cameras.

16) Apparently, Delta operators can teleport anywhere in the world instantaneously. Oh, we’re needed in Hamburg, Germany? Boom. Oh, they’re calling us to New York City? Poof. 

17) A disavowed SAS captain can mosey his way into a Russian ballistic missile submarine, launch a nuclear warhead at America’s East Coast without any authorization from Moscow, and then force the nuclear to self-destruct over the East Coast, again without any authorization.

18) It’s relatively easy to sneak 40+ terrorists onto the Russian president’s personal plane without any suspicion whatsoever.

19) Detonating a nuclear weapon above the Eastern Seaboard of the United States will create a windstorm…in space.

20) The evil Russians are able to move hundreds of thousands (perhaps millions) of troops, vehicles, equipment, and the like into Europe and into major European capitals without anyone noticing, caring, or raising a fuss. Yeah.

In the words of an anonymous but well-spoken Internet forum poster: “If Call of Duty is supposed to be realistic, then I am the fairy f’ing godmother.”

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6 thoughts on “Things I Learned from Call of Duty

  1. H.E. ELLIS says:

    My question is, “Why are Russians still evil?”

    • The Elite of Just Alright says:

      Because they’re foreign. “Oooh, look at the big, bad foreigners who don’t look like us! They *must* be evil!”

      • H.E. ELLIS says:

        I think it’s because they’re foreign and TALL. Italians are foreign, but we’re short so we’re not terribly intimidating. We do have tempers, although not as bad as Germans.

        Oh man, can you just imagine if the nation of Prussia was still around? All those half Russian-half Germans would be like gold to gamers! They’re almost as good as Mongolians!

      • The Elite of Just Alright says:

        I’d make you a sizeable bet the vast majority of those who play Call of Duty couldn’t find Mongolia on a globe…

  2. run4joy59 says:

    Wow!! Now see, I learned a lot today…I knew none of this prior to reading your post today. I’m not sure I’d be willing to send in four soldiers and a tank to rescue most of our vice presidents (or politicians in general)…maybe a drone…

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